Weekend at Barch's
by Patrick Moore
Summary: Daria and Jane find the body of Ms. Bach in a dumpster. Is she really dead or some sick joke?


WEEKEND AT BARCH'S

By

Patrick Moore

[CMoore1703@aol.com][1]

Based on the characters by Glen Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn.

AUTHOR'S NOTE- This story is my second "Daria" novella since "The Haunting of Lawndale High" a few months back.

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CHAPTER 1

THE BAD DEATH OF JANET BARCH

Janet Barch watched her science class more carefully on a Wednesday afternoon and watched Kevin Thompson write "I am a perverted pig" on the blackboard fifty times.

"Keep writing, you jerk," she said to Kevin. "I want it all done by the end of school."

"But I got football practice today, Ms. Barch," said Kevin. "If I don't get there, coach is going kill me."

Ms. Barch gave Kevin a whack with her blackboard stick. "You should of thought of that before you decided to be little mister pervert at the other cheerleaders," she said.

Just then, Ms. Morris, the gym teacher, entered Barch's classroom. "All my female students will suit up and meet me outside for gym class," she said. 

"You may have noticed that it's about to rain," said Daria Morgendorffer to Ms. Morris.

"My mom told me that running in the rain is bad for my health," said Jane Lane also to Ms. Morris.

"I don't give a damn if Bill Clinton is making a surprise visit to Lawndale!" shouted Ms. Morris. "Every girl in my class is going to have gym outside, or else!"

"Clam down, Margo," said Ms. Barch to Ms. Morris. "Maybe you shouldn't be doing your class in this type of weather and all."

"I thought you were the man hater in this whole school, Janet," said Ms. Morris, "but maybe I was wrong."

Ms. Morris leaves the classroom with frowning look at the face of Ms. Barch.

# # #

Ms. Barch went to the Teacher's Lounge after her class was over. She sat in a chair, took out her favorite magazine from her purse, and took out a Churchill cigar from her cigar case. She took a few puffs from her stogie as she reads her magazine, and drank a bottle of cranberry juice. She decided to look out of the window to see Ms. Morris and her female gym class doing laps in the soaking rain. She looked at all the girls wet and soggy with mud on their shoes. For the first time in her like as a schoolteacher, she wasn't happy.

She remembered the time she and Daria Morgendorffer went is search for Mr. O'Neill and Mr. DeMartino, and the time she was framed for the death of her husband. She also remembered when the Ghostbusters came to Lawndale High to bust the ghosts of two of Daria's old friends from her old high school. Those were good times.

Just then, Timothy O'Neill entered the lounge and spotted Ms. Barch smoking her cigar. "I didn't know you smoked cigars, Janet," he said.

"I started smoking them after my divorce with Richard," said Ms. Barch, as she continued smoking the long, fat stogie. "Margo is treating her gym class, like Ms. Li is saving up for retirement."

"You know that she has to be strict to her students, since the death of her nephew, Tommy Sherman."

"That jerk was her nephew?"

Mr. O'Neill nodded his head.

"I'm going to take a few days off, " said Ms. Barch. "Tell Ms. Li that I'll be back Monday."

Ms. Barch finished up her cigar and left.

# # #

It was finally Monday, but Ms. Barch never came back. Ms. Li began to worry what happened to her. "I never should have given her those days off," she said, as she ate her breakfast burrito in her office. She can still smell her cigars all the way to her office.

Mr. O'Neill and Ms. DeFoe entered the office. "We haven't seen her all day, Ms. Li," said Ms. DeFoe. "I had to teach both art and science all day."

"I've been calling her house all weekend, but she didn't answer the phone," said Mr. O'Neill. "Do you think that's she's sick or something?"

"I'm docking this out of her pay for this, " said Ms. Li. "I might as well get Ms. Zarbs to substitute for her until she comes back."

# # #

Daria and Jane sat outside the grounds of the school, when Tom Walker drove his car to pick them up.

"What are you doing here?" Daria said to Tom.

"I'm here to see if you two want to go with me to get some pizza," asked Tom.

"We got trash duty," said Daria. "It's Pick Up For The Planet Day, and we were chosen to pick up after the litterbugs who are dumb enough not to see the closest wastebasket to throw away their trash."

"It's School Sprit Week," said Jane. "We're almost done anyway. All we have to do now is dump the trash into the dumpster, and we're done."

"I'll be waiting for you," said Tom, as Daria and Jane went to the dumpster.

As the girls head for the dumpster, Daria spotted something inside the dumpster. She took a closer look, only to see what looks like an arm covered in garbage. "Jane, you better come see this," she said, as she moved the full trash bags out of the way. She was shocked to see who was in the school dumpster. It was Ms. Barch.

Jane looked at the body and said, "Do you think she's dead?"

Daria gave a frowning look at Jane. "If she wasn't dead, she wouldn't be in the dumpster," she said. "We better tell Ms. Li what we saw."

"Are you crazy?" Jane asked. "We don't want everybody in Lawndale to think that we found our dead science teacher in the dumpster. Besides, Tom's waiting for us."

Daria groans. "Fine, we'll come back at midnight to get the body, before the garbage men come in the morning," she said. "Now all I have to do now is to get pass the Three Stooges to get out of the house."

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CHAPTER 2

DARIA THE BODYSNATCHER

Daria waited still her parents where completely asleep before she would go out and get Ms. Barch's body from the dumpster at the school, even if she had to wait till one A.M. to do it.

When she woke up, at was five o'clock in the morning. "Damn it!" she said, as she ran out of the house. "Jane's going to kill me for this!"

When Daria got to the school, Jane was nowhere to be seen. She must have slept late like she did. "Where the hell is she?" Daria said to herself, as she stood by at the dumpster. "If she's not here in five minutes, she's not going with me to the Ultimate Fighting Championships this weekend."

Just then, she spotted Jane coming towards her. Jane was carrying a large black bag with her. "Sorry I was late, I had to wait for Trent to come home," she said, as she gave Daria the bag. 

"What's with the bag?" Daria asked.

"It's a body bag to put dead people in to take to the morgue," Jane answered.

"I know what it is, but what do we needed for?"

"To put Ms. Barch's body in, silly."

The girls began putting Barch's body into the body bag, then began carrying it to Trent's car, only to see Trent fast asleep.

"Wake up, Trent," Jane said to her sleeping brother.

Trent began to wake up. "What?!" he said .

"Trent, we need you to open the trunk for us, so we can put this inside," said Jane.

"What's in the bag?" Trent asked.

"Bottles and cans to take to the recycling center," Daria answered. "Mother Earth needs a good cleaning."

Trent shrugged as he got out of his car to open the trunk. As he opened the trunk, the girls threw to body bag into the trunk. "Do you want me to take them to the recycling center later?" asked Trent. "Since you two will be in school and all."

"Just leave it in the trunk, Trent," said Jane. "We'll pick it up when we get out of school."

"Whatever," said Trent.

Just then, they spotted the paperboy riding towards them on his bike. The paperboy was no other than Artie the pizza delivery boy Daria and Jane first met during the whole alien episode a month ago.

"Hi, girls," said Artie, as he got of his bike. "I haven't seen you two in a long time."

"It was a month ago," said Daria. "Artie, what happened? I thought you were a pizza delivery boy the last we saw of you?"

"I got fired a week ago, due to my tales of alien abductions," answered Artie, as he ate a slice of cold pizza from his pants pocket. "Now I deliver papers for the good people of Lawndale." Artie spotted the body bag in Trent's car trunk. "What's in the body bag?" he asked.

"Bottles and cans to be recycled," said Jane.

"Not the right bag to but bottles and cans in," said Artie.

Daria sighed. "We have the body of one Janet Barch in our trunk, and we're going to take it to the morgue. Happy?" she said.

"You really have a body in the trunk of your car?" asked Artie, being the weirdo that he is. "Can I look at it?"

"No," said Daria, as she closes the trunk. "Don't you have a paper route to do?"

Artie looked at his watch and said, "You're right. I better be going. I'll see you all later." Artie rode on his bike and left.

"That was close," said Jane. "That loony almost told everybody that we're gravediggers or something."

"We just took our dead science teacher's body out of a dumpster," said Daria. "Does that count us as gravediggers or just two girls who want to play with dead people?"

Jane just shrugs, as she and Daria got inside Trent's car and drove off with the body.

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CHAPTER 3

THE GREAT DEAD BODY HIDE AND SEEK GAME

OR

DARIA DOES TALK TO DEAD PEOPLE

It was six in the morning when Daria returned home from school. She sneaked upstairs so she won't wake up her family. She hadn't counted on she sister, Quinn, just came out of the bathroom and saw her.

"What are you doing up so early, Daria?" Quinn asked.

"I had to take the trash out," Daria said, so Quinn wouldn't find out what she was really up to.

"Trash pick-up isn't till tomorrow."

"I did it early."

"Do you take me for some brainless idiot or something?" Quinn asked, as she combed her hair. " I know what you did, Daria."

Daria began to sweat. "What did I do?" she said, as she stared at Quinn. "Take the dead body of my science teacher that me and Jane took out of a dumpster, put her in a body bag, and drove her dead carcass out of town?"

"What are you talking about?" Quinn gave out a puzzled look to her face. "You went jogging with mom."

Daria gave out a smirk and said, "That's it. I sure needed that workout."

Quinn noticed that Daria must have been lying, because she didn't see any sweat on her face. She just shrugged and went back to her room.

# # #

Daria met Jane at their lockers at Lawndale High. She looked at Jane's hands to see that she had dirt on them. Did Jane and Trent bury Barch's body or threw it into the ocean.

"What did you do with the body?" Daria asked Jane.

"Me and Trent put it in the attic," said Jane. "It was so dusty up there, we had to cover the body bag with junk so Mom won't notice anything weird."

"Thank goodness you didn't bury her in your backyard," said Daria.

Just then, Jodie Landon walks up to them and said, "What are you two talking about?"

"We were talking about last night's episode of Sick, Sad World," Jane lied. "They were talking about kids that talk to the dead."

"You two must have seen The Sixth Sense again," said Jodie.

"We talk to dead people," Daria impersonated the little boy from the movie.

"Have you two seen Ms. Barch?" asked Jodie. "Ms. Zarbs can't keep being substitute for her any longer."

"No," said Daria.

"No," said Jane.

"Let me know when she comes," said Jodie, then she leaves.

"That was close," said Jane, wiping the imaginary sweat from her forehead. "We almost spilled the beans to Jodie."

"What do you mean by we?" asked Daria. "You did all the talking."

"Do you want me to tell Jodie take we found Ms. Barch's body in the school dumpster and hid it in my attic?"

"Maybe we should tell Ms. Li about this."

"Tell me about what, Ms. Morgendorffer?" said Ms. Li, as she walked up to the girls. "Are you two hiding drugs in my school?"

"What if we told you that we found Ms. Barch?" said Daria to the principal. "But in the school dumpster."

"What are you talking about?" asked Ms. Li. "You must have seen too many mystery movies to tell me that story."

"But, it's not a story," said Jane. "We did find Ms. Barch's body in the dumpster."

"Then where is this body?" Ms. Li put her arms to her hips, and gave a frowning look at Daria and Jane.

"In my attic," said Jane.

"You two had no right to move the body without calling 911 first," said Ms. Li. "You two will be in detention, until this body problem is over. Is that clear?"

"But…" Daria said.

"Is that clear?" Li said again.

"Fine," Daria and Jane said in unison.

"I'll see you two in study hall after school then," Li said, and leaves.

# # #

The study hall is for students to study for their next test or exam, but after school it become detention. Daria and Jane have detention, due to Ms. Li hearing their conversation. There were five other students with them: Kevin Thompson, Brittany Taylor, Andrea Hecuba, and two students Daria has never seen.

"I've never seen you in detention before, Daria," said Kevin to Daria. "What did you do, kill somebody?"

"Shut up," said Daria to Kevin. "I'm in a bad mood, and I don't want to talk about it."

Just then, a woman wearing a pink shirt and a purple skirt entered the room, and sat down at the teacher's desk. Her hair is bowl shaped, and wore horned rimmed glasses. "My name is Ms. Zarbs," she said, " and I'm going to be your detention teacher for today. So I don't want any talking and mischief from any of you for the next hour and a half."

Daria looked at Ms. Zarbs more closely as she began writing in her notebook another one of her Melody Powers tales she love writing about. Ms. Zarbs walked up to Daria to see what she was doing.

"You should publish your writings to a magazine," said Ms. Zarbs. "Someday you can be a best selling author."

"I want my lawyer," said Daria, in her deadpan mood. "I was framed."

"Why are you in detention anyway?" Ms. Zarbs asked.

"Our principal believes that we killed our science teacher," said Daria. "All we did was find her body in the dumpster."

"Where's the body?"

"In my friend's attic."

Ms. Zarbs looked puzzled when she heard what Daria was saying. She went back to her desk and began writing something in her notebook. She closed it up and began to read one of her romance novels till detention was over.

# # #

Daria and Jane were great to see detention was finally over when they came out of the room. They wanted to see if Ms. Barch's body was still in the attic at Jane's house. Just then, Ms. Zarbs walked up to them.

"I sorry for what happened to your teacher," she said, as she patted Daria on the shoulder. "Maybe I'll go to her funeral."

"We didn't kill her," Daria said. "We just found her body in a dumpster."

"Why didn't you go to the police and tell them that?" asked Ms. Zarbs.

"If we did, we go to jail and do not pass go," said Jane.

"And collect $2000," continued Daria.

Just then, a familiar woman walked up to them. Daria and Jane were shocked to see who it was. Back from the dead was no other than Janet Barch herself.

"Barch has come back from the grave to kill us," said Jane in a cynical way.

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CHAPTER 4

BARCH FROM THE DEAD

"What the hell are you talking about, Lane," Ms. Barch said, as she was trying to find out what is going on here.

"We saw you in the dumpster yesterday," said Daria. "We thought you were dead."

"You thought that dummy was me?" Ms. Barch laughed. "I thought I told Amanda to burn it."

"What do you mean dummy?" Daria asked.

"I asked Amanda Lane to make a wax figure of me for the Man Hater of the Year Roast last weekend. When it was over, I didn't want the wax dummy anymore, so I asked her to throw it away."

"Then that means we've been carrying a wax dummy for this whole episode," said Jane.

"Where did you put that dummy anyway?" Barch asked.

# # #

When Amanda Lane went up to the attic for some art supplies, she found the body bag, she opens it only to see the melted wax body of Janet Barch warped and twisted inside.

"I thought I got rid of that dummy," she asked herself and smiled.

# # #

It was another day in Ms. Barch's class at Lawndale High School. Kevin was once again on the blackboard writing, "Women rule, Men suck."

"What did I do this time, Ms. Barch?" asked Kevin.

"Shut up and keep writing, you bastard," she said, as she whacked him on the head with her blackboard stick.

Daria and Jane sat at their desks smiling at seeing Ms. Barch back and alive.

"Jane, I got an idea," said Daria. "Do you think you mother can make a wax dummy of Sandi? She and her family are going out for the weekend, and I was thinking…"

"Didn't that get us into trouble in the first place?" said Jane. "If it's for the Fashion Goons, just name the time and the place." She gave an evil smirk.

Daria just smiled, as she listened to Ms. Barch give out today's assignment.

THE END

Apologies to Crazy Nutso, Paperpusher, and Louis Sachar.

THIS HAS BEEN A PUMPKINHEAD PRODUCTION

   [1]: mailto:CMoore1703@aol.com



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